I finally got a moment to lay down after being up since 3:30am. Since I sold my TV, I have nothing to do at night; not that I watch much TV, but it keeps me company in the evening when I’m winding down, and Karma isn’t much of a conversationalist, so I just go to sleep at 8:30pm. It feels good actually, but I’m wide awake between 3-4am. So this morning I got up and did my usual at 3 in the morning…write, meditate, yoga, pay bills, take care of things before I move, wash dishes, laundry, etc.
Lately I’ve been busier than ever. I should have made the announcement six months ago that I was moving because everyone wants a last minute session and all my friends, students and clients want to take me out for lunch and dinner! I have never eaten so well and been so social in my life. I could have been well fed for the last six months if only I planned ahead!
Plus I decided to give away most of my things, which takes more time than just donating or throwing them away. It’s not easy to part with my books, that is one thing I’m having trouble with. My books taught me so much, they are like my children.
I realized once again that when we are so busy, when we fill our time, including our “free time,” with things to “do,” we never have a chance to be with ourselves, with our feelings, to have a conversation with our Creator. This is a necessary component in the evolution of our soul’s growth. Without this alone time, our soul will wither away. It’s integration.
When I do finally carve out the time to be alone and talk to God, it’s always so nice. I learn a lot from our conversations. Although I’m not sure if I’m answering myself or it’s coming from the Head Honcho; but the real truth is, the highest truth, is that I am God. We all are God. So really what’s the diff?!
I lied down in my bed, looked out the window and said, “Hi God, are you there?” Then I heard, “Yes I am, but mostly i”m inside you.” I started to cry, I don’t know why. I felt like it was just time to release, not even realizing there was stuff inside to release. I had a good cry, you know one of those gut sobbing cries when you feel comfortable to just let it all out.
I have these cries on a regular. I think my soul knows so deeply that this is not my real home, that my true home is with God and being here on earth is sometimes very foreign to my soul. It can be very lonely. It’s not easy to be here, to be awake to who you really are and still function in a world with so much pain and suffering, with most people asleep or under “the spell.” I mostly see the beauty and the good, but that is because I look for it. I am aware of how much suffering, conflict, pain and war still exists, and I think it really makes me sad on a very deep level – that I cry. I feel everything.
That’s why I need to have these honest heart to heart conversations with God. He/She is the only one who understands me and doesn’t think I’m coo-coo for cocoa puffs. Actually I have a few friends who get me, thank Goddess:) Some of you reading this might think I’m a little crazy and some of you might get me. It really doesn’t matter to me…anymore. At one time yes, but this is my lifetime to be free, completely and truly free-to express myself and not care about what others think- to be free not just in my self expression, but in my actions, without apologies to anyone.
When I bought my one-way plane ticket a few weeks ago, I thought I would do an Irish good-bye- that is to move without telling anyone…no drama, no teary good-byes, just ride off into the sunset. This was very appealing, along with having a month to myself, to write and spend time alone in my favorite place, Fire Island. Then I thought about it and thought about others. This would actually be very selfish. My friends, clients and all the people i have touched with my book are going to want to see me to say good-bye. Oh well… so much for my fantasy!
So the good-byes have begun and so have the tears. I expect there will be much more. I am crying just writing this piece. This is a major life change for me and even though it is a dream come true and I’m very excited about my new adventure, I am also attached to the peoples and the place that I call home.
Please know that I hold dear in my heart all the love and support you have shown me over the years. You have watched me grow, sometimes very painfully, but in the end I have found my wings and am free. I have been writing this blog/newsletter for almost ten years now, a decade! It’s time to finish my second book and to start my new grand adventure. I will miss you all, but we will be in touch…though my writings, my classes online, and soon my new global broadcast and channel. Visit me in my new healing/yoga retreat center on the Big Island of Hawaii!
Aloha and Mahalo. Namaste.